Always Here.

I never truly understood the phrase "you are here for a purpose" or "everything happens for a reason, I know what it  means to some extent, but I always felt like I would never find my purpose or if I even had one. I also never understood why the negative things in my life happened that caused me to become suicidal, quiet, so caring, and fear a lot.

Today I now understand the phrase "Everything happens for a reason". I will not say what I was told that led me to understand that phrase(don't want to expose them), but I will tell you the story on why I never understood it. After a major event happened to me as a child I had become suicidal at age 9 because I could no longer live with myself or have peace with myself. I did everything I could do, without my mother knowing, to attempt suicide. I went to the only thing that was easy for me: pills in an attempt to overdose. Of course I could never take enough to kill myself, something always made me stop, and it just ended up making me sick. Ever since then, I have tried at least 15-20 times a year when those moments of defeat hit me or my thoughts take over, and yet I am still here stronger than ever....still at war with my inner thoughts. I always felt alone because no one knew about what I had tried to do for many years; I told a close friend of mine one day and he asked me if he could tell his mom about it because we share a similar experience. After telling her she took me out to dinner and we just talked about our experiences and created a really strong bond, and I no longer felt alone and knew that I had someone to go to if I ever needed someone to talk to; she became like my second mom that knew exactly what I was going through. She still even texts me to see how I am doing every now and then, I will always love getting a text from her. 

After talking to her, I did not attempt suicide as much as I had before but I still did try. I tried because I still had those moments where my thoughts took over and I started to feel defeated and that I will never find peace in my life. I no longer trusted myself being alone in a room because that is when my mind will tell me is the perfect time to do it since no one is around, so I do not keep any pills in my room to overpower my mind. It works, but the thoughts never go away. I do not think of trying to killing myself as much as I did before because I am starting to find my peace with myself little by little. I have people around me who care about me, I don't feel alone(sometimes), and I know longer let my past affect me. Sure there are times where my inner thoughts take over and I break down and want to kill myself; but I just see it as part of the process to me finding completely peace with myself, I never go through with killing myself because I have gotten stronger. 

Earlier today, the thoughts of killing myself came back to me, and since I am at home it is just that much easier with all the pills I have access too. I distracted myself as much as I could and then my friend told me their story of also being suicidal currently and it just hit me. I knew exactly how they felt and that it was not easy to admit a thing like that. I won't treat them any different than I did before I knew(not that I treated them bad because I don't) and I won't look at them different, but I told them that if they ever needed to talk about it that I am always here to listen and help them out in any way possible. God saved me so that I live to tell my story and  help those who are going through what I once went through, I may not be able to change someones mind about suicide, but I hope I can help save another life and let them know that I am always here to listen whenever they feel as though they want to attempt suicide. No one should ever feel alone. So if you ever need someone to just listen, I am here no matter what, to help you get through this tough journey. 


In the words of Mrs. Sode "Only those who have lived through it can truly understand". I understand what you are going through, to some extent, you never have to be alone.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S call 1-800-273-8255

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/‎              suicidehotlines.net/‎            HELP SAVE A LIFE.

Moving Forward

“The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.”

Job 17:9

This post I dedicate to all of those who have been hurt by someone, something, or a mixture of both, and know that sometimes it is not easy to just move on and forget. Me, for instance, I learn to bottle things up inside and pretend that everything is okay and that it is just another thing to ignore. Keeping everything inside becomes hard to do because I start to blame myself for everything that goes on in my life and everything bothers me...including those past memories that hurt me; I do not want those things to ruin me anymore or continue to make me feel bad about everything including myself, I want to be able to go on with my life knowing that just because I have a bad day does not mean I have a bad life. I can go on with my life everyday living with little regrets, little pain and still be happy to be breathing, but first let me take you down memory lane a little bit to show you how I got to this point.

The typical boy meets girl story: Boy meets girl, Boy likes girl, Girl likes Boy, Boy and Girl become friends, Both hide their feelings due to having a significant other, Boy and Girl become inseparable, Both end it with their significant others for different reasons, soon Boy and Girl confess feelings for each other, Boy and Girl date,  Boy and Girl break up 2 1/2 months later...yes that is a mouthful :)

I have been hurt in the past by many other guys, but this certain break up hit me hard because the bond that we had created 9 months prior to us dating was broken in an instance and I never saw it coming. Everything he had ever said to me I questioned if he was telling the truth or not...even after that I still believed every word he had said to me. My heart would not let me get over him and still wanted him, which let to me being hurt every time I saw him with another girl, or starting to like another girl, and I could not fully like a guy without the thought of him coming to mind. I shed too many tears for him because I missed being with him and felt that he was what I needed to be happy; those were not even necessary.

It was not until two days ago, as I read every message he had ever sent me, that I realized what am I doing myself? crying over something that was truly real, holding myself back from better things, hurting myself emotionally by holding onto him...That all had to stop. That moment was the moment I knew I was over him, everything that had happened no longer hurt me, I started to learn from it all and become happy with myself. For once my past no longer hurt me, I have moved past it all and realized I can truly learn from my past because we encounter pain and struggles to learn that we are strong and can get through anything that gets thrown our way if we focus on the positives in our life and learn from all the negatives.

I have learned :

1. I deserve to be Happy 

2. I am strong

3. Don't trust too easily

4. Learn to be happy with myself

5. I am beautiful

6. Don't worry about what others say/think about me

7. My mistakes don't define me, they make me stronger

8. Never forget to smile

"So remember just because you have a bad day doesn't mean your life is over, just learn from what hurt you and continue with your life."

The one who keeps me going

Never forget to Smile

Though she may be broken,
she continues to Smile
and learn from her past.
<3

P.S. Sorry if this post confuses you a little bit, I write what is in my head, and my thoughts are always jumbled :)

Dedication

I have not posted in a long time school has overtaken my life as usual, and I don't just write to write, I write 
when the time feels most right. 


When we lose someone close to us all we seem to do is blame God or blame our-self for not being able to do anything about it; we shouldn't blame ourselves for something that was not in our control we can grief about it for so long, but we must learn and realize that as we keep their memory alive they are watching us from up above.
Tonight I dedicate this post to those who I have lost over the past two years:




My Great Grandfather(The one to the far right) who was the sweetest and most strongest guy I know. He faught until the very end. Knowing his time was coming to an end he accepted the fact that he did not have much time left. Family came to visit him everyday, spending hours in the hospital just to watch tv with him and listen to him complain about the food that they were giving him :). He passed due to cancer, that he could no longer stop or fight off; he watches over me everyday reminding me to remember to live my life to the fullest before my time is up. <3
My uncle Raul (The one to the far left) who never failed to make fun of me just to make me laugh. He was the most stubbornest and funniest guy I will ever know. Christmas 2011 was spent with him in Orlando, where he wanted us to all where matching pajamas (yes we all matched), and then argued with us when the Bulls and Heat played the next day :).
He did not see it coming when cancer hit him and he faught it for months, and though he was in pain he did not show it in any way possible. Sadly it came to a point where his body stopped reacting to treatment and it was all in God's hands. He too watches over me every single day reminding me that it is okay to be stubborn sometimes but not too stubborn, and to laugh at the little mistakes in life because it isn't the end of the world.

The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God. 

 

Prom 2012 (Picture: Property of Angel Mendez)

My friend and fellow classmate Johnathon Santiago, who I could never clearly understand(in a good way). He was one who did and said whatever came to mind no matter what it was, and always got everyone to laugh with him not at him. We shared multiple classes together and were even in choir together and though we did not speak much, I knew he was a very intelligent young man, who always challenged our teachers and enjoyed making people laugh in the process. He did not pass of natural causes or diseases, he was just at the wrong place at the wrong time(not going into details). When he passed we were not the only ones to lose a fellow classmate and friend, he was also the boyfriend to the girl standing next to him: Angel. She lost the one guy who made her truly happy, they had been dating for a couple years before his passing. They were the cutest couple and that couple that you would look at and say "Wow, they are still together, wish I could have that". Though he has passed, she continues to keep his memory alive everyday and becomes stronger as well. My heart and prayers continue to go out to her and his family <3

Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,

May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.

~Author Unknown

(Picture: Property of  @jillcutrooo)

The most recent passing of someone not very close to me, but connected by family: Jeremy Angel Rivera. Jeremy did not see cancer coming. After being admitted into the ICU for pneumonia, the doctors took a bone marrow biopsy and he was then diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. While being heavily sedated they gave him chemo.  Due to the fact that his lungs were filling with blood he could not breathe and the chemo didn't work. His other organs started to fail and before they knew it, we had lost him. I did not know Jeremy personally only through family, but hearing this simply broke my heart. He was so young, so handsome, so talented, to be taken away so soon. He also had a beautiful girlfriend (Jill) by his side... tonight my heart and prayers especially go out to her and Jeremy's family as they are going through this period of grief and as they keep his memory alive. November 27, 2013 Heaven gain another beautiful angel to watch us all, especially Jill, he will give her the strength to go on everyday continuing to get stronger and letting her know that he is always with her. <3

"The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, 

but the things you do for others remain as your legacy"

College Life Part 1

Again I apologize for not writing for so long, coming back to college I really don't have the time to write on here, but I made time now and will finally tell you about how college life is treating me. 
First off let me tell you about my Amazing new roommate Chance's. She is honestly the bestest roommate that I will ever have, we may be total opposites but we connect. We didn't know each other much our freshman year, but I am glad we did start talking because she is the one who knows how to drive me totally insane, but show that she has a caring heart. I love being able to stay up late and tell her about my day and listen to her tell me about hers; we don't see each other much during the day so I really do cherish the time we have to just talk and gossip and just bond. No one has drove me more insane than she has but honestly that's what makes her who she is and I love that she is crazy because she keeps me laughing and puts some craziness in my life. She is also the one I turn to whenever I am confused about something or just need to talk about something that is bothering me because she doesn't judge me and always stays positive. 
I honestly hope we stay roommates the entire time we are at Saint Xavier because I don't know what I would do without her. <3 

Now to tell you about my suitemates Dani and Meep (Dani is always on the right in all of our pictures and Meep finally decided to change her spot in the picture to above) :)  

I could honestly not of asked for better suite mates than them because they are absolutely the sweetest girls I have ever met. Dani never seems to be mad at anyone or anything and is probably the most stressed out of all of us being a nursing major, but don't worry Dani we are here to help if you need it. Meep is probably the most hard working one out of all of us, and is actually less quiet than me, and is secretly plotting something, I don't know what, but she is :) j/k I love you meep. 
                                                                                          We are all different in our own ways, especially in our personalities, but we connect and love being around each other and of course going place together(as shown in our many pictures together). I could not of asked for a better group of girls to be rooming with because these girls complete me and I know that they will always have my back no matter what and I will always have theirs. 
I am looking forward to our many adventures together no matter how crazy they may be.




My college experience so far has honestly been absolutely AMAZING even though the workload piles up, work hours suck, people will talk about you, and the classes aren't always the easiest, but when you surround yourself with the right friends anything is possible knowing that they always believe in you and will help you whenever you need a hand or even when you need a smile on your face. :) This is going to be an awesome Sophomore year, I can feel it <3

My Sister, My Best Friend

mSorry it took so long for me to post again, it has a been a long week and I was not in town last week; which is what I want to talk about today. Last week I was in San Antonio, Texas where I would see my sister graduate from United States Air Force Basic Training; I could not of been more proud of her to see her with her head held high accomplishing something big in her life....and participating in band.

I can only speak so much about the graduation for many reasons, so this post will not be that long.

Honestly, despite the heat and all the sweating we did out there, the graduation was absolutely beautiful and it was honor to be there seeing all the graduating airman...including my sister. My sister isn't always the brightest, or serious, or even the strongest, but seeing her after her 8 weeks of training she proved everyone wrong, who ever doubted her. She was bright with knowledge, serious and still a bit silly, and stronger than ever, and I see a big change in her. She has given me even more reasons to be able to look up to her and want to better myself and be also be able to say yeah that is my big sister and she is a United States Airman. Not many sisters get to say that, but I do and I am proud to say it.

During our time with her which was Thursday-Sunday, we were inseparable (like the picture below) because we have always been that way, we keep each other standing and we will always have each others back no matter what happens, even though we will always drive each other insane and we have to totally opposite personalities. <3 Now to just  wait 8 more weeks for her to come back from Tech School  :) and you know I will be there when she steps off that airplane with my big welcome home sign ^.^

Unknown

This post may not be as happy and cheery as my other posts but I will try my best. I wrote this a few days ago when I.....well you will understand when you read it.

"Do you ever just wonder why some things just do go your way? or feel as though you don't really belong anywhere? or what is you purpose in life? or when will it be your time to go? or do you ever feel like you are at war with your own thoughts? These are the questions that I ask myself everyday and what I go through everyday because I am at war with my own thoughts. On the outside you will always see the girl who loves to smile, laughs at practically anything, loves to help everyone no matter what, who cares, does what she is told, will talk non-stop if you let me....and will never show that I am ever hurt. I can only hide feelings so much and for so long before I completely go insane.

I go through every day doing what I am told, to only get called lazy at the end of the day as if I sat down all day without a care in the world. But don't I dare say anything because I will always be wrong for saying my own opinion or even "talking back" (even though that's what you do in a conversation) For that I hold in any opinion I may have because my opinion doesn't matter in this house. That leads into the next thing, why no one ever listens to what I say when I do talk; which leads me to being even more quite and keeping a lot more inside. I learn in church that I should always be nice to others and do things from the kindness of my heart and never expect anything in return. I never expect anything in return when I do something nice for someone, but all they do is take advantage of my niceness even though they may never deserve it...

A lot of this leads me to feeling as if I really don't matter to anyone EVER, like I don't fit in anywhere...I know it isn't true but that's just how I feel most of the time being home and at school most times. Feeling like this contributes to my suicidal thoughts....yes I said suicidal thoughts. The thoughts that I am at war with every single day weather I want to or not. When will the day come where my thoughts just win and my time on earth is done? I don't know. When will I just let them win? I don't know that either. All I know is that I do have people who will help me not let these thoughts take over and win....No, I may not know where I am going in life or what I want to do, but I do know that no matter what I will always have someone worth fighting for...no matter how many times I may be ignored, or how many tears I may shed, or even how many times I get called lazy and useless etc.(because there are many more).

Love

Christina Roman

Fairytales and Weddings

For those of you who read my blog, I apologize for not posting anything new for a couple of days now, I have been spending a lot of time outside because of the amazing weather or just simply trying to figure out what to write about next...then it hit me...no it really didn't :( BUT then it did, I will explain.
 
Every little girl dreams a being a princess at a point in their childhood, growing up watching Disney princess movies, getting married to a prince one day,  dressing up, knowing that anyone can be a princess if they really wanted to. Me, I dreamed of being a princess, but not just any princess...I wanted to be just like Ariel, the underwater  red head princess (and no that isn't why my hair is now red). Ariel was just that one princess that stood out to me because not only did she live under the water, she was quite curious, rebellious, talked to sea creatures, had an amazing singing voice, was a MERMAID, and  did everything she could so that she can have true love. (that may explain my love for the water, but that is a story for another time). Anyways although I had a love for princesses and wanted to be one, I did not play dress up because it never really interest me. And marrying a prince, who wants to do that...Not me, just kidding. To be honest, I have been secretly planning my wedding day since I was about ten years old, just because I wanted to have that fairytale wedding that every little girl dreams of. With a big puffy dress, and all the sparkles, and riding away into the sunset. 

I have always wanted a wedding on the beach no matter what because for me that is the perfect wedding spot, and one day I will say "I do" on the beach to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. For the past couple years I stopped thinking about my wedding because I had more important things to worry about, it isn't until a few days ago that I started to plan again because I am currently dating the man that I want to marry one day: my boyfriend Connor. And what I love the most is that he is getting into the whole planning thing with me. (/.\) I am one lucky girl.

The other day I chose the colors that I want my wedding to be, and that is Mint and Gold. These colors look absolutely perfect together...and thanks to my fabulous Pinterest board, I am getting ideas on how I would love my wedding to look like. Such as the two dresses below :) that are stunning. The wedding will possibly be at the midpoint of us since we live in to different states separated by Lake Michigan. More details to come....but not many :P
 
 

More of my ideas are on my Pinterest Board (link below)

 

 

                                        http://pinterest.com/christinav94/wedding/

Til Next Time :)

My Best Friend

Today I was told about someone (for certain reasons) who wasn't acting like the "best friend" they supposedly were, so they turned out not being the true friends. It got me thinking about my best friend Thalia and everything we have been through and no matter what choices we make we are always there for each other.

So today I want to take the time to tell you about my bestest friend in the whole wide word, Thalia.

Thalia and me were not always the best of friends...we actually started off as enemies and did not want anything to do with each other...and it was all over a guy. (yes, how stupid). Little did we know that, that certain guy would end up the reason why we began talking in the first place, leading into our forever friendship. (but that is a long story).

My besty is the complete opposite of me: she is super duper crazy and sometimes loud and drives me insane sometimes, and overall super outgoing but I would not want her any other way. I love her how she is because there is more than just her being crazy and loud, she is always honest with me, she isn't afraid to show how she feels, she is crazy smart; she will do amazing things one day, she doesn't judge, and will always be there for me no matter what. She is like the little sister I never got and I will always love having her around. I would honestly do anything just to see her smile, no matter what it is I have to do....even if I don't always agree with what she wants, I don't want to see her hurt. I always want to see her beautiful smile.

No, we may not talk as much as we should (which is mostly my fault) but we still have the unbreakable connection that will never be broken, and when we do talk it is as like we never stopped talking and you would never know we were enemies once upon a time. With us you never know what you are going to get: laughter, smiles, anger, tears, but we go through it all together.

Honestly, I would never want to replace my best friend because from the start of our friendship, when everyone else has turned against me, she is always on my side. We aren't perfect, but that is what makes us, us....we learn from each other. She may be 2 years younger than me, but I do look up to her because of who she has become...and who she is becoming each day.  I Love My Best Friend Thalia and I always will.

"A Friend is someone who Understands your Past, Believes in your Future, and accepts you just the way you are"

Social Club

So not posting for a while because of my busy life, made me sad. Now it is time to catch you up with all of my fun adventures/exhausting life. I am not one known to be "popular" so I don't get invited to parties often or go out all the time with friends and I am perfectly okay with that...my large family makes up for all of that. Every summer I am reminded on how big my family truly is and how popular we truly are.

I attended my cousin's Quince. And let me tell you she looked absolutely beautiful in her big red dress. It was a night a food, speeches, and LOTS of dancing....and almost broken heels. I like dancing, it is part of who I am, so I danced with my stepdad, who can dance way better than I am but I will catch on soon. I then soon noticed that the guy I had kissed before with was in the Quince (don't worry none of those feelings were there anymore for neither of us). I am happily taken and don't plan on ruining that.
Word of advice: Do not dance with a guy you once kissed and you are happy with another guy, especially in a tight black dress.....Don't worry I didn't do that, I'm just saying.

 Then it was time to take off all the fancy stuff and get ready the next morning for my brothers baseball game. (By the way, the picture to the left is my mom and I, we both wore our All Stars without realizing that the other one was wearing them too.) Another word of advice: Don't wear your hair down to a baseball game, there is a slight chance that it will be super windy and it will blow all in your face along with the dirt from the field :(  To then go to another party, feeling all gross


It was then time again to put on the fancy clothes again and go to yet another party; this time it was a graduation party for my cousin who just graduated 8th Grade. I did no dancing at this party, but I sure did eat a lot of CANDY. You want me to love you forever? Bring me Candy :) j/k candy can't buy friendships, but I might consider it. Anyways, by this time I was already all partied out and was ready to take a nap....which for those of you who don't know me, I DON'T TAKE NAPS. Thank god driving makes me tired and I knocked out a little on the way back home while still tempting to text my boyfriend...or soon to be boyfriend (/.\) he is still mine regardless <3.

Did not even get to sleep in the next day :( woke up and was able to Skype my boyfriend once again and tell him about my restless night :'( but that is a story for another day. 

 

-CHRISTINA <3

A New Perspective

Before I start, for those of you who don't know what DOMA is, DOMA The Defense of Marriage Act that was put into place September 21, 1996. It is a United States federal law that allows states to refuse to recognize same sex marriages performed under the laws of other states. It also effected same-sex married couples from being recognized as 'spouses', even or receiving federal marriage benefits.

A few days ago DOMA was deemed unconstitutional by the supreme court and is now no longer in effect. The reactions to this are both negative and positive, more negative then positive. I believe that the supreme court made the right decision on taking the law out because who are we to judge others on who they are or what they do with their life; love is love no matter whether it be with a male or a female. Just because a girl may like a girl or a boy may like a boy, doesn't make it any wrong than a male liking a female or a female liking a male. 

We are taught in school and in our life overall since a young age to never judge someone because we don't know their story or have lived their life or think the way they do. Now all most people do is judge based on someone's sexual orientation, that just isn't right what if it was wrong to be straight and being gay was the norm? What would you do then?

 Take a look at this video I found on "What if Gay was Straight and Straight was Gay" it may open your eyes on a different perspective.

 

Never judge someone because of what sex they choose to love. Love is Love. We all have the right to Love whoever we choose whether it be male or female.

 

As 1 Thessalonians 4:9 says "But as touching brotherly love ye need not that I write unto you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another.

Biggest Fear

Today has been a pretty gloomy day filled with Fear,  rain, more rain, and lots of lighting and thunder......oh and 4 Flash Flood Warnings. I am probably worse than my dogs when it comes to thunder because I absolutely Hate thunder. Thunder is my biggest fear, but I never really understood why it scared me so much. It scares me to the point where my heart starts beating faster and I just want to crawl in a hole. Since I can't crawl in a hole, I put my headphones on and blast my music, I also have my thunder buddy who, although may be miles away, keeps my occupied all day and make sure I am okay.

My fear isn't scary to most people, but that's a part of what makes us different we all fear different things, or people, or even thoughts. Some of us may fear multiple things, some may fear nothing, and some of us fear things that we didn't really realize that we were scared of. For example, I never knew I was scared of the dark until I started waking up at 2am every night in dead silence thinking someone was watching me....yes I know, creepy right. Fears are just all in our head and the more we think about them the more we fear them, so as for me I try to ignore the thunder and try not to think about scary things when I wake up at 2am.

Now one fear that most people wont admit to having is Love or the idea of Falling in Love; I am not afraid to admit that I was once one of the people who feared love. Not like the love a mother has for her child or the love you have for a certain food, the love that makes you feel butterflies in your stomach and makes you lose your train of thought and keeps you up at night. I was afraid that I would never get that feeling, after so many heartbreaks thinking it was "love" some just give up on love including. The key is you can't give up on love or go searching for it, it just comes out of nowhere and hits you right in your face when you aren't looking. You may not realize it at first but when the moment is just right you will realize you are in love and can no long run from it. Now me, I had that perfect moment where he was inches from my face just staring down at me....I was in Love. I tried my best to run away from it because what if he wasn't ready to catch me. Love wasn't going to let me get away because 7 months later he caught me <3 and had no intentions of letting me go.

Fears can get the best of us sometimes no matter how big or how small they may be, but we can't let them take over our lives. We have to find ways to overcome them and worry about better important things; all it takes is just one step at a time. You may not overcome all of your fears, but at least you know you fear less and focus more on the path God is leading you through.


As Isaiah 41:10 states "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help the; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness "

The Start

 

Everyone goes through many ups and many downs throughout their life, and each one of those moments make them even stronger and wiser than they were before. Just because you had one bad day, a heartbreak or two, made a mistake, made the wrong choice, or even just felt like you couldn't take it anymore, doesn't mean that your life sucks. There are many amazing moments that you will have that will make the bad moments seems as though they are just minor little details of your own journey through life. As one quote or cliché states "nobody's perfect" so don't try to make your life perfect, God puts you in situations because he knows you know how to handle them, he puts people in your life for certain reasons (whether it be to make you learn or lesson or because you need a friend, or they may turn out to be the love of your life), and he make sure he guides you in the right direction.

For those of you that know me, I really didn't think this this way months ago; it takes certain people that come into your life, or certain situations that help you realize what I realized...or that one person who says they really care and means it no matter what.

My name is Christina Roman and this my Journey through Life.

(This song is called "Here" by Rascal Flatts, it is what inspired my first post and reminds me of a certain someone...so give it a listen)

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