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This post may not be as happy and cheery as my other posts but I will try my best. I wrote this a few days ago when I.....well you will understand when you read it.

"Do you ever just wonder why some things just do go your way? or feel as though you don't really belong anywhere? or what is you purpose in life? or when will it be your time to go? or do you ever feel like you are at war with your own thoughts? These are the questions that I ask myself everyday and what I go through everyday because I am at war with my own thoughts. On the outside you will always see the girl who loves to smile, laughs at practically anything, loves to help everyone no matter what, who cares, does what she is told, will talk non-stop if you let me....and will never show that I am ever hurt. I can only hide feelings so much and for so long before I completely go insane.

I go through every day doing what I am told, to only get called lazy at the end of the day as if I sat down all day without a care in the world. But don't I dare say anything because I will always be wrong for saying my own opinion or even "talking back" (even though that's what you do in a conversation) For that I hold in any opinion I may have because my opinion doesn't matter in this house. That leads into the next thing, why no one ever listens to what I say when I do talk; which leads me to being even more quite and keeping a lot more inside. I learn in church that I should always be nice to others and do things from the kindness of my heart and never expect anything in return. I never expect anything in return when I do something nice for someone, but all they do is take advantage of my niceness even though they may never deserve it...

A lot of this leads me to feeling as if I really don't matter to anyone EVER, like I don't fit in anywhere...I know it isn't true but that's just how I feel most of the time being home and at school most times. Feeling like this contributes to my suicidal thoughts....yes I said suicidal thoughts. The thoughts that I am at war with every single day weather I want to or not. When will the day come where my thoughts just win and my time on earth is done? I don't know. When will I just let them win? I don't know that either. All I know is that I do have people who will help me not let these thoughts take over and win....No, I may not know where I am going in life or what I want to do, but I do know that no matter what I will always have someone worth fighting for...no matter how many times I may be ignored, or how many tears I may shed, or even how many times I get called lazy and useless etc.(because there are many more).

Love

Christina Roman