Today I now understand the phrase "Everything happens for a reason". I will not say what I was told that led me to understand that phrase(don't want to expose them), but I will tell you the story on why I never understood it. After a major event happened to me as a child I had become suicidal at age 9 because I could no longer live with myself or have peace with myself. I did everything I could do, without my mother knowing, to attempt suicide. I went to the only thing that was easy for me: pills in an attempt to overdose. Of course I could never take enough to kill myself, something always made me stop, and it just ended up making me sick. Ever since then, I have tried at least 15-20 times a year when those moments of defeat hit me or my thoughts take over, and yet I am still here stronger than ever....still at war with my inner thoughts. I always felt alone because no one knew about what I had tried to do for many years; I told a close friend of mine one day and he asked me if he could tell his mom about it because we share a similar experience. After telling her she took me out to dinner and we just talked about our experiences and created a really strong bond, and I no longer felt alone and knew that I had someone to go to if I ever needed someone to talk to; she became like my second mom that knew exactly what I was going through. She still even texts me to see how I am doing every now and then, I will always love getting a text from her.
After talking to her, I did not attempt suicide as much as I had before but I still did try. I tried because I still had those moments where my thoughts took over and I started to feel defeated and that I will never find peace in my life. I no longer trusted myself being alone in a room because that is when my mind will tell me is the perfect time to do it since no one is around, so I do not keep any pills in my room to overpower my mind. It works, but the thoughts never go away. I do not think of trying to killing myself as much as I did before because I am starting to find my peace with myself little by little. I have people around me who care about me, I don't feel alone(sometimes), and I know longer let my past affect me. Sure there are times where my inner thoughts take over and I break down and want to kill myself; but I just see it as part of the process to me finding completely peace with myself, I never go through with killing myself because I have gotten stronger.
Earlier today, the thoughts of killing myself came back to me, and since I am at home it is just that much easier with all the pills I have access too. I distracted myself as much as I could and then my friend told me their story of also being suicidal currently and it just hit me. I knew exactly how they felt and that it was not easy to admit a thing like that. I won't treat them any different than I did before I knew(not that I treated them bad because I don't) and I won't look at them different, but I told them that if they ever needed to talk about it that I am always here to listen and help them out in any way possible. God saved me so that I live to tell my story and help those who are going through what I once went through, I may not be able to change someones mind about suicide, but I hope I can help save another life and let them know that I am always here to listen whenever they feel as though they want to attempt suicide. No one should ever feel alone. So if you ever need someone to just listen, I am here no matter what, to help you get through this tough journey.
In the words of Mrs. Sode "Only those who have lived through it can truly understand". I understand what you are going through, to some extent, you never have to be alone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S call 1-800-273-8255 |
| www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ suicidehotlines.net/ HELP SAVE A LIFE. |
