One of Those Nights

Tonight is one of those nights where my mind is being all emotional and overwhelmed; only way to get rid of that is to write down what is on my mind of course. It goes like this:

"I'm not like you...I hopes everything between us turns out amazing, and sorry if  I sound too cliché saying this but I hope our relationship does last forever. I really and truly do not want anyone else but you to be honest. It might be a bit early in our relationship to say that but hey it is the truth and I will only write the truth. These past few months of knowing you has been the greatest couple of months that I have ever had and this past month of actually being your girlfriend...well let's just say that I can glad that I am able to call you mine. Life is full of ups and downs and mistakes will be made and we meet and lose people alone the way, this I already know, but with you I have never felt so loved like the way that I feel when I am with you...another reason why I don't ever want to lose you. The way that you smile when we kiss, the way you look at me with such happiness in your eyes, the way you gently touch my skin as if it were fragile...I can honestly keep on going...all of the little things you do show me that you truly care for me and that you do truly like me. I love the way that you think and see the bigger picture, how you care for your family SO MUCH(loved that I was able to actually witness that today), how you are able to motivate me without even knowing that you are, how you are able to make me laugh even when I don't want to smile sometimes, how you are not afraid to introduce me to your best friends(shows how happy I must make you), how you are such a hard worker but still make time to do things that you want to do, how you are able to make me smile just by being you. Yesterday night you told me that you loved me and it kind of caught me off guard, I know it is not in a I truly love you way it was probably more like a I love you as a friend type of way(then again I don't truly know that or not) but it got me thinking as the night progressed I truly do see myself being able to tell you I love you one day, I kind of already do but as you told me before there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. To be honest I could see myself falling in love with you too, already got me liking you so much that it might not even be good for my health how much I like you. While I am being completely honest, I kind of did start to fall in love with you, but until it is 100% or close to it, I will keep that to myself for now. Again I know it is a bit early in our relationship to say all this, but I only write what I truly feel and I apologize now if that scares you a bit. You are truly the first guy to treat me better that I feel like I deserve, and that...truly means the world to me.

What I need you to know though is that when I fall, I fall hard so be careful. And just so you don't forget I did not forget what you told me, enjoy the experience while you have it and whatever happens happens( a motto I have lived by for a very long time). So I will do just that. I will indeed enjoy and cherish every moment we are able to share together and every moment that I get to call you mine because I couldn't be any more happier. I don't know if our relationship will last forever, but I know that everyday with you is a day I will always remember"

As you can see I am full of a lot of hidden emotions that will come bursting out sometimes...apparently with tears too, just know I don't ever forget what you tell me.

Short Update

I feel like I haven't written here for a while, so I apologize for that I have been busy keeping up with school as always...19 credits is no joke. Anyways since I do not have a specific thing on my mind tonight I will just give you an update on what's going on in my life.

First off, I finally finished signing up for my Senior Year classes this upcoming Fall...yes I know I still can't believe it either. I will finally be able to say that I made it to my Senior Year of college and yes it went by really fast. It has been a rough couple of years for me, for those of you who know me or have read some of my previous blog post may know what I am talking about. Anything from sickness, to more sickness, to stress, to leadership positions,  to hospital visits, to long nights of studying, boys, and did I mention sickness; it has been three years of many ups and downs, but I would not be here without all of that....even though I can sooooo deal without the sickness part. I know it isn't over just yet and it will get harder, but I can honestly say that the last three years of college have prepared me for my final year at Saint Xavier University.

Second thing is....yes you guessed it....it is about a guy. I have seen my fair share of guys throughout my college career, but this one is different I promise you that much. I will not disclose any name because I like secrets :) but I can tell you that no one has ever made me feel as happy as he makes me. Even when I will still at the stage of figuring out if I liked him as more of a friend, I had never met a guy who I could talk to for hours about the most randomest things, laugh constantly, and smile with purpose. When I wasn't even looking, he came out of no where and somehow brought more happiness to my life. Even when I am not able to see him, he is still able to make me smile and laugh...and blush. Before I go on a long rant about him, I will just say this one last thing about him. He has been able to motivate me in ways that he doesn't even know about and has helped me with problems that he never knew I had, and I will always truly appreciate that about him.

And last but least, I would like to officially say that it has been a year since I have tried to commit suicide. One of my biggest accomplishments in years. For those of you who don't know I have tried suicide for many years and actually ended up in the hospital last year where I had a huge wake up call. Are the thoughts still there every night? Yes but that is a work in progress. We are all fighting our own battles whether we show it to the world or not, and this battle I plan on winning

Well there you have it a short update on what is going on in my life :) 

"Happy Holy Week and Have a Happy Easter"

 

Til Next Time,

Christina <3



Belize Service Trip

 Hello this post is not like my usual blog post that I usually write. Today I ask for help to raise money so that I will be able to go on a Belize Mercy International Service Trip.

The Belize Mercy International Service Trip sends students visit Altun Ha, an ancient Mayan cultural site. Where we will meet and visit with the Belizean Sisters of Mercy, spend time at a daycare center for children affected by HIV-AIDS, and enjoy an outing to one of the Caribbean cayes. Themain purpose of this trip, however,  is service, We will work daily to construct and paint a simple house for a family in need of decent shelter. This service trip will take place May 17th-24th, 2015.  Many do apply to have the opportunity to go on this trip but only 12 students are choosen to go, so it is a true blessing to be choosen as one of 12 students that will be attending this service trip. I know I will not be able to raise all the money on my own, so I ask for your help in reaching my goal. I will be extremely greatful for any small donation given. If you would like to donate the link is listed below.

Thank You,
 Christina

http://www.gofundme.com/j3zgxo

Learning

Last night I had yet another breakdown out of nowhere. I felt fine throughout the day and then it all of a sudden just hit me. At that point I had never felt so alone, as if I was completely alone. At that point, I just wanted to be held and be told that everything is going to be okay. When you start to like a guy that does not even go to your school, remember what that also comes with. It comes with hardly any talking throughout the day, hardly ever seeing each other, and hardly any time to fit your schedules together. It also comes with a lot of lonely nights where you may feel as though he doesn’t care, and though it may feel like that, you do not know what is going through his head and he may be feeling the same way too. Having two completely different schedules and responsibilities can be tough because you can become unsure if he actually likes you or not. It is also tough because sometimes it feels as though he isn’t making enough time for you…no need to get needy, it isn’t attractive…anyways that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to come see you but his priorities have to come first just like yours do. There are times where he is going through something tough and you have no idea how to help him out without physically being there and feel as though you aren’t good enough to make him feel better, well a loss is pretty tough and sometimes you just have to let them cope with it on their own and when they are ready to talk make sure you are there to listen 100%; make sure he knows that you are always there for him whenever he needs you.

Some things just take time and when you are in this type of situation with liking a person who you don’t see every day it calls for having a little patience with him and not always stressing about if he likes you enough or if he even cares. He does, it is hard to show it through the phone, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. Sometimes when you are used to getting all the attention from a guy that you see every day to not getting as much attention because the he has priorities is a little bit of a hard transition, but it isn’t impossible. Not seeing a person everyday doesn’t mean it has to be hard, just have to work with the communication that you have with him and cherish what you have.

I just really hope that I am right about this and that he still does like and care about me like he says he does…and that I will see him soon.

 

-Christina V. Roman

Unforgettable Summer

      Every summer has a story of its own...as one common quote states "Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better." This may all be true, but summer is a bit more than just that from changes, jobs, vacations, break-ups, goal making, challenges, realizations, and so much more it is hard to describe it all in just one word; if I had to describe my summer in just one word that would have to be: Adventure. This summer was one I will definitely remember because of all the amazing things I got to experience, the amazing people I have met, and of course the amazing places I went. Instead of describing it all in one long post I will let you all see some of the pictures of my amazing Summer Adventure.  Though not much happened over the summer due to Summer classes at Truman College and my new Job at McDonalds; which took up majority of my summer, I still enjoyed the little things that I was able to experience throughout the summer. Going on vacation two weeks before school started (as shown below) was just what I needed to get ready for my Junior year at Saint Xavier University. Can't wait to tell you all about my school year.
Well that is all for now, have to go to class.
Til next time <3

Christina 

Orlando, Florida

 

 

My Besty <3 Thalia

                                                     

All Smiles with my God-Sister and God-Brother

Did I mention that we also got a new cat :) 

New Addition to our family: Mia

My Mom, My Strength, My Forever Friend

Mother's Day was this past Sunday and I did not get the chance to tell you about how amazing my own mother is, so here is my chance to tell you about my Mom, my Strength, and my Forever Friend. 

From the beginning it was not easy for my mom; having my sister at age 19 then me the year after causing her to be unable to go to college. My mom was a single mother raising two girls all on her own for quite some time, but she did her best to make sure that we had a roof over our head, were safe from harm, and had food to eat. Of course, the little family we had were always there to help out as much as possible to ensure that we were getting a good childhood. Though things were not always sunshine and rainbows, she managed to raise us into the young woman that we are today. Even today she continues to be my strength to keep on going and strive to achieve more than I believe I can achieve. My mom is the strongest woman in my life because when life try's to knock her down, whether it be a death in the family, or money issues, or working long hours, she gets back up and keeps on going with a smile on her face. I am similar to my mom because like me she holds a lot in and worries about others and ensures they are happy before she worries about herself, she will do anything to see her children smile. One thing not everyone knows about my mom, is that though she is only 40, she is and will always be a kid at heart who just likes to joke around and go out and just have fun. Being able to joke around with her always makes my day so much better. No matter how far I fell down dealing with my own mental issues, my mother was there to keep me on my feet. I honestly believe that without my mother, I wouldn't be here today. Though she gives us all our privacy, she is always close enough that if I ever need her she is there for me. If I need her help, she will be there in a heartbeat, but if she knows in her heart that I am strong enough to do something on my own, she will not help me but encourage me. That is because she knows what I am capable of even when I do not know myself. Especially when it comes to school, I would not be attending college if it wasn't for my mother helping me pay for my education and her words of encouragement every time I have a lot of work to get done.

As a child my mom was always protective over me and my sister like every mother should, whether it be how long we stayed outside, being taken to and from school each day, or even the people we hung out with. Though it may have seemed like a bit much sometimes, I realize that you were just being a good mother who wanted to keep us out of harms way and teach us how to be more cautious with  the world around us. I also remember as a child how my mom gave us a birthday party for every birthday until we reached age 10, though they may not have been extravagant birthday parties they were amazing birthdays because she showed us that she cared enough to give us a birthday party to celebrate another birthday. 

Another thing I love about my mom is that without her strength I would have given up a long time ago and would of just given up on life overall, but my mom is the only reason I truly need to keep on going and living. As I have gone through life, friends have come and gone, but my mother never went anywhere.

Throughout the years she has been the role model that I needed through the rough times, through the easy times, through the in-between times, through the fun times, and even through the lets just give up times. Without my mom I would not be the person I am today, I am glad to be able to call my mom, My mom. There is not enough words to describe how much I love my mom and  how much appreciate everything that she has and continues to do for me each and every day.

 "The Bond between mothers and their children is defined by love. As a mother's prayers for her children are unending, so are the wisdom, grace, and strength she provides to her children"

Always Here.

I never truly understood the phrase "you are here for a purpose" or "everything happens for a reason, I know what it  means to some extent, but I always felt like I would never find my purpose or if I even had one. I also never understood why the negative things in my life happened that caused me to become suicidal, quiet, so caring, and fear a lot.

Today I now understand the phrase "Everything happens for a reason". I will not say what I was told that led me to understand that phrase(don't want to expose them), but I will tell you the story on why I never understood it. After a major event happened to me as a child I had become suicidal at age 9 because I could no longer live with myself or have peace with myself. I did everything I could do, without my mother knowing, to attempt suicide. I went to the only thing that was easy for me: pills in an attempt to overdose. Of course I could never take enough to kill myself, something always made me stop, and it just ended up making me sick. Ever since then, I have tried at least 15-20 times a year when those moments of defeat hit me or my thoughts take over, and yet I am still here stronger than ever....still at war with my inner thoughts. I always felt alone because no one knew about what I had tried to do for many years; I told a close friend of mine one day and he asked me if he could tell his mom about it because we share a similar experience. After telling her she took me out to dinner and we just talked about our experiences and created a really strong bond, and I no longer felt alone and knew that I had someone to go to if I ever needed someone to talk to; she became like my second mom that knew exactly what I was going through. She still even texts me to see how I am doing every now and then, I will always love getting a text from her. 

After talking to her, I did not attempt suicide as much as I had before but I still did try. I tried because I still had those moments where my thoughts took over and I started to feel defeated and that I will never find peace in my life. I no longer trusted myself being alone in a room because that is when my mind will tell me is the perfect time to do it since no one is around, so I do not keep any pills in my room to overpower my mind. It works, but the thoughts never go away. I do not think of trying to killing myself as much as I did before because I am starting to find my peace with myself little by little. I have people around me who care about me, I don't feel alone(sometimes), and I know longer let my past affect me. Sure there are times where my inner thoughts take over and I break down and want to kill myself; but I just see it as part of the process to me finding completely peace with myself, I never go through with killing myself because I have gotten stronger. 

Earlier today, the thoughts of killing myself came back to me, and since I am at home it is just that much easier with all the pills I have access too. I distracted myself as much as I could and then my friend told me their story of also being suicidal currently and it just hit me. I knew exactly how they felt and that it was not easy to admit a thing like that. I won't treat them any different than I did before I knew(not that I treated them bad because I don't) and I won't look at them different, but I told them that if they ever needed to talk about it that I am always here to listen and help them out in any way possible. God saved me so that I live to tell my story and  help those who are going through what I once went through, I may not be able to change someones mind about suicide, but I hope I can help save another life and let them know that I am always here to listen whenever they feel as though they want to attempt suicide. No one should ever feel alone. So if you ever need someone to just listen, I am here no matter what, to help you get through this tough journey. 


In the words of Mrs. Sode "Only those who have lived through it can truly understand". I understand what you are going through, to some extent, you never have to be alone.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S call 1-800-273-8255

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/‎              suicidehotlines.net/‎            HELP SAVE A LIFE.